06: “Invisible Closets”

My roommate asked me to do a reading. I asked whether or not I had to censor myself. He said no, and I had just bought this dick, soooo…

The audio’s shit so if you don’t have headphones, you can check out the footage from the LiveStream here. I go on around 1 hour 36 minutes.

Check out the wordz themselves under the cut.

PS: To the dude I pegged – sorry I wrote about your ass hole. Again.

Continue reading

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05: “The Worst Thing That Could Happen When Meeting Dick On The Internet”

I’m on a dating site. So are a fuck ton of my friends. This is what happened.

Art by Dani mothafuckin Dickson


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04: “Getting Stuffed” – The Butt Sex Post

There is one key to good, safe, clean, butt sex – a shit ton of lube. Silicone lube, to be exact.

Okay, maybe there’s not just one key, but lube seriously is super fucking important. I learned this the hard way after a drunken romp in the sack last night with only a small pack of water based lube – long story short, now my ass hole hurts and (my B if this is getting a little too gross) but now it fucking bleeds whenever I poop. (Yes, girls dump too, get the fuck over it). Anyway, before getting into the steamy details of my ass escapades, I just want to give some premium advice that I was too stupid and/or too drunk to take – ladies and gents, if you’re about to shove your cock into your lover’s butt, please keep one thing in mind – you can never use too much lube.

Here are step-by-step instructions on how and when to apply lube for anal sex. Tape it above your bed or even to the back of that dusty condom in your wallet because you never wanna be without these helpful tips on tipping your mate:

  1. Get a hard dick.
  2. Get a consensual ass hole.
  3. Put lube on your dick.
  4. Put lube on the ass hole.
  5. Put more lube on your dick.
  6. Put more lube on the ass hole.
  7. Okay you’re ready.
  8. OH WAIT – just a little more lube.
  9. Seriously, put some more lube on that cock.
  10. And some more on that ass hole.
  11. Okay – now fuck the ass hole.
  12. Changing positions? Get more lube!
  13. Taking a smoke break? You might as well get some more lube.
  14. Need to stop and catch your breath? LUBE.
  15. LUBE.
  16. LUBE.
  17. LUBE.

I know it sounds silly, but this shit is serious. I think most people are against butt sex, not because it’s some bizarre fucking sex act, but because they’re ignorant to how our ass holes work. I was adamantly against taking it in the ass, but once I found a partner that I not only have great sex with but, most importantly, feet comfortable with and trust, I was able to have butt sex that I genuinely enjoyed.

I’ve been fucking this dude since like, August I think. I started calling him Jersey Shore when we first met because he’s got the same name as one of my exes and I think that’s just fucking weird. He works for the show, so I’d just refer to him as Jersey Shore any time I gossiped about him to my roommates.  This wasn’t unusual in our house since our bedroom doors were revolving doors. It was just easier to stay on top of who was fucking who by referring to them with memorable characteristics – there’s been The Crip, The Rich One, The Young One, The Hipster, The Beard… so calling him Jersey Shore was just the norm. But now we’ve been fucking for like, five months, and I still cannot refer to him as his real name. I’ve never referred to him as his real name in conversation, and I sure as fuck have never called out his name in person. It’s always been Jersey Shore, and it will continue to be Jersey Shore for the rest of forever. The worst part – he has no fucking clue. Well, not until now, ‘cause he’s probably fucking reading this. Hey, sorry, your name just creeps me out.

ANYWAY, so I’ve been fucking Jersey Shore for a while now, and when you’ve been fucking someone for a decent amount of time, you begin to wonder when you’re gonna let them fuck or get fucked by/with all kinds of different things. I don’t know how it came up, but I’m sure he once just asked if I was into anal and I was like, FUCK NO.  But then I got a job at one of the most inspiring and liberal and sexually creative places ever – The Dr. Susan Block Institute. It’s here at Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy where I’ve met a ton of super intelligent people who are constantly teaching me new and amazing things. It’s here that I’ve found not only my job and my home, but where I’ve found the only group of people who’ve made me feel completely and genuinely welcomed since I moved to LA almost a year ago. It’s here where I’ve found the one and only place that I can be 100% myself. It’s here where I learned how to get my ass fucked.

Since I have access to a slew of sex educators and porn stars alike, I began surveying those around me about butt sex. I’d say about 90% of the people I talked to not only partake in butt sex, but they actually enjoy it. And 100% of those motherfuckers all said the same thing – LUBE! They all assured me that I’d fall in love with getting pegged once I used the proper (silicone!) lube, so once I finally lost my anxiety about it, I agreed to try it out.

Jersey Shore is on the road a lot since he works for a ton of different shows, and I believe it was during the last time he was on the road that my sex drive took a leap into the sky and just never fell back. I was suddenly ALWAYS horny as fuck, to the point that I was sending this fucker pictures of Elton and Ru (my left and right tits, respectively) and sometimes even of The Duchess. I wanted to fuck him and I wanted to fuck him bad, and it was in the chaos of sexting with him that I finally admitted: “I want you to grab me by my hair and shove your cock down my throat. I want you to fuck my mouth hard before you throw me over the bed and spank me. I want you to fuck me hard – fuck my ass.” Needles to say, he was fucking down. Excitement overwhelmed him and, while still on the road, he made a few purchases at an adult store in Indiana weeks before his return to LA.

He got back to town mid-November and was free Thanksgiving night. How fucking appropriate – of course he wants to fuck me – fuck me in the ass – on the one day out of the year where I have only one goal for the entire fucking day: to be a total sleaze that drinks straight from a bottle of $4.99 wine while continuously eating a fuck ton of food for hours and hours and hours. This is the one day out of the year where I will welcome bowel movements with open fucking arms. Yes, poop shoot, release those brown giants in order to make room for more gluttony. Out with the shit, in with the fucking mashed potatoes!

It’s about 9pm on Thanksgiving night. I’ve already dumped twice and even took a nap by the time he picked me up from my best friend’s place in West Hollywood. I’m gassy as fuck and my tights don’t help the fact that there’s like eighty zillion pounds worth of yams and stuffing and bile rumbling around my insides. I’m surprisingly able to hold my toots throughout the entire evening, though, so don’t fear, there were no smelly surprises in the sack that night. What did surprise me, though, was not only that I finally had butt sex, but that I genuinely fucking enjoyed it.

He returned from his trip with three things – a small orange vibrator (intended for the ass) that we named Demopolis, an under the bed restraint system, and a bottle of silicone lube. After fooling around for a while he finally gets me on my hands and knees. He fucks me doggy style for a minute before finally attempting the butt. I perk up and say no, no ass without lube. So he brings over the bottle of silicone lube and I no longer have an excuse for why I won’t let him stick it in my poop shoot. So I hesitantly agree before squeezing some lube in my hand and rubbing it into my ass. He goes back to fucking The Duchess as I play with my ass hole, applying lube extremely fucking generously. I probably didn’t need half as much as I used, but I was super fucking nervous and all I heard in the back of my head was all my friends from the Speakeasy chanting, “LUBE! LUBE! NEVER TOO MUCH LUBE!!” I really think this mass load of lube is what made it so good, though, because without even realizing it, I had slipped a finger into my ass hole – and it felt good! I didn’t get it all the way in, but I started prodding my ass hole with my index finger, a little past my second knuckle, at the same speed to which Jersey Shore was fucking me. I moaned when he grabbed my thick waist, thrusting his cock deeper inside of me, and in the midst of this moment I found my finger had slid completely inside. I left it there for a moment, feeling the pressure as he pounded my pussy. Finally, I begged him to fuck my ass.

After some more lube on both his dick and my ass, I made him promise that he wouldn’t hurt me before I’d even lay back down. He promised, and I returned to the pillow I had been biting to soften my moans. He rubbed the tip of his cock on my ass hole while I played with my clit before asking if I was ready. Somewhere between my moaning I said yes and he pressed his cock inside of me. It was a little tough to get in at first, but once inside he slid right in and I could feel every inch of him inside of me. He didn’t move too much at first, and the pressure of his cock made everything feel even better than usual – a  caress down my back to my ass before a swift spank; my fingers rubbing slow, circular motions against my slippery clit; the yank of my hair as he pulled me upright, bringing me towards him. I could feel every inch of his skin against mine as he pressed his body against the curves of my back. The sweat nestled in the hair of his chest, dripping down to my ass. The weight of each moan and each breath. I had felt all of these things before but never with such intensity – everything was just so fucking vibrant.

Now, I haven’t had anal sex like this again since Thanksgiving (only that one time last night that’s now left me with a bloody butt hole.) And I do need to admit that I was hiiiiigh as fuuuuuck, so I’m sure that helped me feel more comfortable and aided the intensity of our touch. Regardless of my sobriety, though, I finally debunked an ignorant assumption of my own and I’m super psyched to now have a new hole to get fucked in!

I’m going to end this by challenging some typical – and totally understandable – excuses for avoiding butt sex. Honestly, I’ve used all of these excuses before, and this is my advice for how to just get the fuck over it.

“I’m too nervous.” Well, then you shouldn’t be fucking that person to begin with. Besides lube – comfort, trust, and communication are the most important factors of not only good sex, but a good relationship. If you’re not comfortable with the person, then there’s no way you’ll be able to be comfortable enough to find the right position for this type of sex – because seriously, you may need to get into some awkward positions. You should definitely have had sex with this person multiple times before you try it in the butt because you need to learn each others bodies in order to easily get into these weird positions. You need to trust the person because you’re letting them access a part of you that you probably haven’t even explored yourself. You also need to trust that they’re going to know when to be gentle and when to be rough, and that they’re going to take the directions you give them. Which brings us to communication – you need to be able to verbally express to your partner what feels good and what feels bad, because just how everyone likes to have “regular” intercourse in different ways, people like to have anal intercourse in different ways – different speeds, different rhythms… And make sure you tell them when it hurts. Don’t be afraid to tell you partner they’re hurting you because you can seriously fuck up your ass hole – I wouldn’t wish the pain of a bloody shit on anyone, so please don’t forget this. Our ass holes are a lot more sensitive then we think. Plus, if they care about you in any way, they won’t want to hurt you so SPEAK THE FUCK UP!!!

“Ew, gross, I poop from there!” Then clean that shit out, ya dingus! Nothing too intricate though, because I know that douching isn’t something that should be done super regularly. Your butt and your puss actually need certain bacteria to keep them healthy and clean. It’s honestly not healthy or normal for your butt or vag to smell like flowers – if someone complains that it smells like ass or pussy then kindly remind them, “BITCH, WELL THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO FUCK!!” If someone tells you your pussy smells like pussy and you do, indeed, own a pussy, then chill the fuck out and tell them to deal with it. 100% of the time they won’t even say anything because they really wanna bust a nut just as much as you do. And don’t forget – sometimes, shit just happens. If there’s a little nug on your dick as you pull out then don’t make a big deal about it. What the fuck do you expect when you’re fucking the place someone shits from? Be an adult and deal with it.

“Oh, it hurts!” LUBE IT UP, BITCH!! Seriously – the only time anal sex has ever hurt for me was when the lube dried up (because I was using the wrong lube – use silicone based lube, NOT water based).  It may also hurt if there’s a really big cock involved. But from what I understand, with proper anal training, your ass can withstand the size of any cock and any thing. (Just no glass jars please – fuck, have you seen that viral video?) The reason we can’t use water based lube for ass sex is because the water will dry up and I’ve been told that our ass holes are like a Sham-Wow – it’ll suck everything up, but it won’t suck up silicone.

“But I don’t really feel anything in my butt hole.” Then rub something else! I can’t really get off on just butt sex – fuck, I can’t get off from “REGULAR” sex! When The Duchess is fucked I never have an orgasm – but when I spit in my hand and start rubbing one out while there’s a cock inside of me – THAT’S when I not only get off, but have the best, most intense fucking orgasms. Rubbing one out while there’s something comfortably in my ass brings out an even better orgasm.

So there ya have it. After six years of swearing against ass sex, I’ve educated myself,  found a trustworthy sex partner, and have finally not just experimented with anal sex, but fucking loved it! I have a great, big, juicy ass, so why not find more ways for others to enjoy it just as much as I do?!

With that, I’m now introducing my ass, which my roommates, Justine and David, dutifully named for me. I knew I wanted a Queen name because, come on, my shit is royal as hell. And, in relation to The Duchess, my ass is obviously ranked higher than my pussy and less people are ever honored with her presence. So they suggested Queen Victoria.

“Yeah, I heard she was known for being a tight ass.”

“And it’s a victory for anyone who gets there!”

Bitchez and bastardz, I bring you Queen Victoria, now open for business.

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30 Days of Kink – Day 3: “IOU”

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I was never into foreplay. I always just joked that I was “impatient” or “just too fucking wet to wait.” It never went beyond some tongue teasing and a hand down the pants because 1. I rarely get off when someone besides myself finger fucks The Duchess, and 2. Most men don’t know where the fuck the clit is anyway.

I’ve always been a dominant person. I like to take control of situations, whether it be on a set or at work or even just choosing the fast food joint we should hit when we’re stoned. I like to know what’s happening, when it’s happening, and how it’s going to happen. I like things to be right and I figure the best way to be sure of it is to just do it my fucking self. It goes without saying that the partners I sometimes preferred were submissive – they didn’t mind my controlling tendencies and, even better – they did whatever the fuck I said. Make me dinner. Change the channel. Fuck me now.

But then I met Nigel.

And after being with him I was introduced to patience; to the tease. He never gave in, didn’t give me what I wanted… not until I fucking begged for it. And even then, he’d just yank my hair, “Nope, not yet.” Before I could beg some more – “Fuck me, just fuck me,” he’d shove a finger inside of me and I’d moan before I could even say please. He’d tickle my nipple rings with his tongue, pulling at them with his teeth. I’d moan as he finger fucked me harder and faster until I was just about to cum and then WHAM – he’d jump up, shoving my legs apart and forcing himself inside of me. His cock would enter just as I’d clench up for an orgasm; the arrival of my climax was only the beginning.

So it’s pretty clear that Nigel likes it fucking rough and I had never experienced sex like this until I was with him. He liked to beat my ass while fucking me from behind; to yank me towards him by my hair, wrapping one arm around my throat as he reached for my breast. I’d choke, losing my breath while he demanded that I beg for his cock. And to my surprise, I liked to submit to him. I liked begging. I liked being slapped as he stood before me, shoving his dick in my mouth and fucking the back of my throat ‘til I gagged. I liked being pulled up from my knees and shoved over a desk to be spanked just before being fucked. I quickly learned that I liked it fucking rough, too.

During my time with Nigel – at the dawn of my interests in BDSM – I did a ton of reading on the subject. I wanted to know more about what I was getting into, and I also wanted to know why. I thought hitting someone was bad – so why the fuck did I wanna get slapped in bed? Turns out that a lot of what we’ve pent up comes out when we’re immersed in a primal act, especially during sex. With that in mind, I’ve reminisced about my childhood and teenage years only to realize that my kinks were vaguely visible years before I’d even let a dick near me. I’d regularly roam suburban malls with my army of pre-teen Goths, decked in a cheap corset, spiked collar, and a bondage skirt. I’d drag a friend on a leash that was connected to their collar, also black and spiked. We’d pierce ourselves and each other. I’d play boot camp with my friends, giving myself the dominant role, yelling orders at my soldiers during recess. Though these behaviors were completely innocent and totally unrelated to sex, I obviously derived some sort of pleasure from it and it’s just really fucking interesting to connect my kiddy interests with my adult desires.

It’s been about a year since Nigel and I last fucked. Whatever emotional connection we had has been long gone, but I’ll always miss him because, in a way, he was a first for me – my first really rough fuck. If he hadn’t exposed me to rough sex I’d have never gone on to explore the multitude of pleasures I’ve found in BDSM. Nigel – I owe you big time. I’m officially granting you a lifetime supply of blowjays.

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30 Days of Kink – Day 2: “Defects”

Day 2: List your kinks.

Today’s prompt is simultaneously easy and hard. Sure, I could simply list my kinks –

1. Spanking

2. Bondage

3. Rape play

But I’m not a list kinda bitch. What’s the meaning of a number followed by one fucking word or phrase if you can’t even really hear the swift slap of your palm against my bare flesh; if you can’t really feel the way my skin pulsates once your grip is removed; if you can’t really see your handprint on my ass as it dissolves into a bright red radiance. 

How do I even decide which interests to include on this list? Do I get to decide what’s defined as “kink” or have the kink goddesses before me already etched the solid boundaries of my desires into stone (or leather)? Can kink be a self-given title? And if so, can the title be received without having ever even experienced kink?

I think so.

Kink goes beyond sex. Yes, it involves sexual practices, but what defines kink is the idea that it surpasses “conventional” standards – and that, the instant kink is defined as “unconventional” – is the very same moment that kink becomes more than sex. When we’re told that something we enjoy is “different” or “weird” we resort to hiding it instead of accepting it. We hide in a dark corner with our defects until we unknowingly bump into another scared kid who’s hiding in the corner as well. We finally light a match to see that there’s been a silent crowd hiding in the same corner all along. We then quietly gather this army of freaks to indulge in our defects together, thus forming a community. And once the community grows, we find solace in the fact that the things we enjoy aren’t really as fucked up as we’ve been led on to believe. We finally find comfort in our defects; we identify as them. In this very respect, kink has become an identity.

I like to think of my identity as a big fucking middle finger. My size, my sexual orientation, my gender, and my preferences in bed – each piece eternally shouting obscenities to convention. Although I’ve come to terms with these identities at different times and through different experiences, they each affect the other, overlapping in all aspects of my life. I hadn’t felt complete until discovering, accepting, and unabashedly indulging in all aspects of my “abnormal” identity because there is no way to enjoy your complete self without accepting each of your “defects” equally.

So now, how could I ever just simply list my kinks? It’s impossible to explain the way a paddle feels without revealing the intensity at which my ass then jiggles. I can’t talk about being tied up without explaining that ropes don’t just constrict movement – they also slither between cracks and rolls to form luscious mounds of soft flesh. There’s no way to explain dominance and submission without explaining that I – the woman – is not always the fuck toy; that I can choke a throat with my own “cock” just as he or she or ze may.

Lists are for vanilla soccer moms. I pray to Satan I’m never subjected to one again.

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30 Days of Kink – Day 1: “Pippi Painstocking”

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Enjoying a spank at the 40th Anniversary of the Pleasure Chest 9/29/11, image courtesy of Bob McPink

I’m a horrible procrastinator and can be easily distracted in the midst of productivity, much like the rest of my ADHD generation and, of course, with the help of some really good pot. We put off the next line of a piece or the errand we have to run or the laundry we have to do by allowing ourselves just five more clicks – no, ten  clicks – no, ten minutes – okay, fuck it, I’ll just do it tomorrow.

Today it took me two hours to clean my room. My deviance from this task didn’t come from the usual glow of my MacBook Pro screen, though; the white whisper that begs me to update my stupid fucking Facebook status. No, today I was distracted by my full-length mirror. Every time I passed it I was compelled to check my reflection. I’d stand, my back directly to the mirror before taking six steps – the precise distance in order to achieve the perfect view of my entire body. I don’t turn around after the last step, though. Instead, I leave my back facing its reflection, turning only my head to see my chubby fingers grip the skirt of a shoplifted black cotton dress. The bottom of my bare ass reps for those of us who get off by going commando. It peeks from the skirt as I raise it a little higher until I can see about an inch or two of my crack. My lips break apart into a smile at the site of the purple bruises on either cheek. These broken blood vessels appeared on my ass just a few days prior, left by the kiss of a hard wood paddle. I stopped to witness the marks about five times during those two hours of “cleaning”, reminiscing about the slick tan wood against sheer black nylon against pale soft flesh. A crowd of strangers watches as I inhale, grinning with anticipation. WHACK.

This is just a glimpse into the pleasure I feel while I or a partner consensually inflicts pain onto the other. Pain is the most general term I can use to define what I like about BDSM, whether it be

the pain caused from a spank;

the rigid edges of a pair of tight metal cuffs;

the swift crack of a whip;

the firm grip of your hand around my neck;

the first gasp of air once the grip is released;

the constriction of my soft belly rolls into the bones of a corset;

my lack of control when I’m shoved into a restraint contraption, my body forced open for you;

the sense of power I feel while gripping your hair as I invade you with a counterfeit cock;

the red lines and torn skin left by my sharp purple finger nails.

But to answer that question in short: I’m a switch that defines BDSM by finding pleasure through pain, who prefers spanking, restraints, and general roughness in bed.

I opened the document to start this piece at 4:43pm. I checked the marks on my ass only three times in the duration of writing it, but checked Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr countless fucking times while watching Short Bus, smoking the last of my weed, and dancing around to Best Coast’s album “Crazy for You” three times all the way through. It is now 10:38pm.

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30 Days of Kink

It’s dawned on me how important it is that I update this blog regularly. Not only do I need to break the fuck out of my habit of procrastination, but I need to force myself to find time to write within the craziness of my schedule. After some late night internet-lurking I stumbled upon this list for the 30 Days of Kink. Not only will this help me write more, but it’s totally fucking relevant to this blog and to the scene I’ve been becoming more and more educated about and interested in.

With that, I wanted to share the list I’ll be following. I can barely contemplate how I’ll be responding to these – whether I’ll be sharing personal anecdotes or trying my hand at erotic fiction. Regardless, I’m super fucking excited to experiment with this new exercise. I strongly encourage responses about your own experiences or questions that my responses may raise (feel free to comment anonymously for my shy fetishists out there).  And, of course, I have high hopes that these stories pop a boner or two!

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

Day 20:  Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

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