There is one key to good, safe, clean, butt sex – a shit ton of lube. Silicone lube, to be exact.
Okay, maybe there’s not just one key, but lube seriously is super fucking important. I learned this the hard way after a drunken romp in the sack last night with only a small pack of water based lube – long story short, now my ass hole hurts and (my B if this is getting a little too gross) but now it fucking bleeds whenever I poop. (Yes, girls dump too, get the fuck over it). Anyway, before getting into the steamy details of my ass escapades, I just want to give some premium advice that I was too stupid and/or too drunk to take – ladies and gents, if you’re about to shove your cock into your lover’s butt, please keep one thing in mind – you can never use too much lube.
Here are step-by-step instructions on how and when to apply lube for anal sex. Tape it above your bed or even to the back of that dusty condom in your wallet because you never wanna be without these helpful tips on tipping your mate:
- Get a hard dick.
- Get a consensual ass hole.
- Put lube on your dick.
- Put lube on the ass hole.
- Put more lube on your dick.
- Put more lube on the ass hole.
- Okay you’re ready.
- OH WAIT – just a little more lube.
- Seriously, put some more lube on that cock.
- And some more on that ass hole.
- Okay – now fuck the ass hole.
- Changing positions? Get more lube!
- Taking a smoke break? You might as well get some more lube.
- Need to stop and catch your breath? LUBE.
- AND MORE MOTHAFUCKING LUBE!!!!
I know it sounds silly, but this shit is serious. I think most people are against butt sex, not because it’s some bizarre fucking sex act, but because they’re ignorant to how our ass holes work. I was adamantly against taking it in the ass, but once I found a partner that I not only have great sex with but, most importantly, feet comfortable with and trust, I was able to have butt sex that I genuinely enjoyed.
I’ve been fucking this dude since like, August I think. I started calling him Jersey Shore when we first met because he’s got the same name as one of my exes and I think that’s just fucking weird. He works for the show, so I’d just refer to him as Jersey Shore any time I gossiped about him to my roommates. This wasn’t unusual in our house since our bedroom doors were revolving doors. It was just easier to stay on top of who was fucking who by referring to them with memorable characteristics – there’s been The Crip, The Rich One, The Young One, The Hipster, The Beard… so calling him Jersey Shore was just the norm. But now we’ve been fucking for like, five months, and I still cannot refer to him as his real name. I’ve never referred to him as his real name in conversation, and I sure as fuck have never called out his name in person. It’s always been Jersey Shore, and it will continue to be Jersey Shore for the rest of forever. The worst part – he has no fucking clue. Well, not until now, ‘cause he’s probably fucking reading this. Hey, sorry, your name just creeps me out.
ANYWAY, so I’ve been fucking Jersey Shore for a while now, and when you’ve been fucking someone for a decent amount of time, you begin to wonder when you’re gonna let them fuck or get fucked by/with all kinds of different things. I don’t know how it came up, but I’m sure he once just asked if I was into anal and I was like, FUCK NO. But then I got a job at one of the most inspiring and liberal and sexually creative places ever – The Dr. Susan Block Institute. It’s here at Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy where I’ve met a ton of super intelligent people who are constantly teaching me new and amazing things. It’s here that I’ve found not only my job and my home, but where I’ve found the only group of people who’ve made me feel completely and genuinely welcomed since I moved to LA almost a year ago. It’s here where I’ve found the one and only place that I can be 100% myself. It’s here where I learned how to get my ass fucked.
Since I have access to a slew of sex educators and porn stars alike, I began surveying those around me about butt sex. I’d say about 90% of the people I talked to not only partake in butt sex, but they actually enjoy it. And 100% of those motherfuckers all said the same thing – LUBE! They all assured me that I’d fall in love with getting pegged once I used the proper (silicone!) lube, so once I finally lost my anxiety about it, I agreed to try it out.
Jersey Shore is on the road a lot since he works for a ton of different shows, and I believe it was during the last time he was on the road that my sex drive took a leap into the sky and just never fell back. I was suddenly ALWAYS horny as fuck, to the point that I was sending this fucker pictures of Elton and Ru (my left and right tits, respectively) and sometimes even of The Duchess. I wanted to fuck him and I wanted to fuck him bad, and it was in the chaos of sexting with him that I finally admitted: “I want you to grab me by my hair and shove your cock down my throat. I want you to fuck my mouth hard before you throw me over the bed and spank me. I want you to fuck me hard – fuck my ass.” Needles to say, he was fucking down. Excitement overwhelmed him and, while still on the road, he made a few purchases at an adult store in Indiana weeks before his return to LA.
He got back to town mid-November and was free Thanksgiving night. How fucking appropriate – of course he wants to fuck me – fuck me in the ass – on the one day out of the year where I have only one goal for the entire fucking day: to be a total sleaze that drinks straight from a bottle of $4.99 wine while continuously eating a fuck ton of food for hours and hours and hours. This is the one day out of the year where I will welcome bowel movements with open fucking arms. Yes, poop shoot, release those brown giants in order to make room for more gluttony. Out with the shit, in with the fucking mashed potatoes!
It’s about 9pm on Thanksgiving night. I’ve already dumped twice and even took a nap by the time he picked me up from my best friend’s place in West Hollywood. I’m gassy as fuck and my tights don’t help the fact that there’s like eighty zillion pounds worth of yams and stuffing and bile rumbling around my insides. I’m surprisingly able to hold my toots throughout the entire evening, though, so don’t fear, there were no smelly surprises in the sack that night. What did surprise me, though, was not only that I finally had butt sex, but that I genuinely fucking enjoyed it.
He returned from his trip with three things – a small orange vibrator (intended for the ass) that we named Demopolis, an under the bed restraint system, and a bottle of silicone lube. After fooling around for a while he finally gets me on my hands and knees. He fucks me doggy style for a minute before finally attempting the butt. I perk up and say no, no ass without lube. So he brings over the bottle of silicone lube and I no longer have an excuse for why I won’t let him stick it in my poop shoot. So I hesitantly agree before squeezing some lube in my hand and rubbing it into my ass. He goes back to fucking The Duchess as I play with my ass hole, applying lube extremely fucking generously. I probably didn’t need half as much as I used, but I was super fucking nervous and all I heard in the back of my head was all my friends from the Speakeasy chanting, “LUBE! LUBE! NEVER TOO MUCH LUBE!!” I really think this mass load of lube is what made it so good, though, because without even realizing it, I had slipped a finger into my ass hole – and it felt good! I didn’t get it all the way in, but I started prodding my ass hole with my index finger, a little past my second knuckle, at the same speed to which Jersey Shore was fucking me. I moaned when he grabbed my thick waist, thrusting his cock deeper inside of me, and in the midst of this moment I found my finger had slid completely inside. I left it there for a moment, feeling the pressure as he pounded my pussy. Finally, I begged him to fuck my ass.
After some more lube on both his dick and my ass, I made him promise that he wouldn’t hurt me before I’d even lay back down. He promised, and I returned to the pillow I had been biting to soften my moans. He rubbed the tip of his cock on my ass hole while I played with my clit before asking if I was ready. Somewhere between my moaning I said yes and he pressed his cock inside of me. It was a little tough to get in at first, but once inside he slid right in and I could feel every inch of him inside of me. He didn’t move too much at first, and the pressure of his cock made everything feel even better than usual – a caress down my back to my ass before a swift spank; my fingers rubbing slow, circular motions against my slippery clit; the yank of my hair as he pulled me upright, bringing me towards him. I could feel every inch of his skin against mine as he pressed his body against the curves of my back. The sweat nestled in the hair of his chest, dripping down to my ass. The weight of each moan and each breath. I had felt all of these things before but never with such intensity – everything was just so fucking vibrant.
Now, I haven’t had anal sex like this again since Thanksgiving (only that one time last night that’s now left me with a bloody butt hole.) And I do need to admit that I was hiiiiigh as fuuuuuck, so I’m sure that helped me feel more comfortable and aided the intensity of our touch. Regardless of my sobriety, though, I finally debunked an ignorant assumption of my own and I’m super psyched to now have a new hole to get fucked in!
I’m going to end this by challenging some typical – and totally understandable – excuses for avoiding butt sex. Honestly, I’ve used all of these excuses before, and this is my advice for how to just get the fuck over it.
“I’m too nervous.” Well, then you shouldn’t be fucking that person to begin with. Besides lube – comfort, trust, and communication are the most important factors of not only good sex, but a good relationship. If you’re not comfortable with the person, then there’s no way you’ll be able to be comfortable enough to find the right position for this type of sex – because seriously, you may need to get into some awkward positions. You should definitely have had sex with this person multiple times before you try it in the butt because you need to learn each others bodies in order to easily get into these weird positions. You need to trust the person because you’re letting them access a part of you that you probably haven’t even explored yourself. You also need to trust that they’re going to know when to be gentle and when to be rough, and that they’re going to take the directions you give them. Which brings us to communication – you need to be able to verbally express to your partner what feels good and what feels bad, because just how everyone likes to have “regular” intercourse in different ways, people like to have anal intercourse in different ways – different speeds, different rhythms… And make sure you tell them when it hurts. Don’t be afraid to tell you partner they’re hurting you because you can seriously fuck up your ass hole – I wouldn’t wish the pain of a bloody shit on anyone, so please don’t forget this. Our ass holes are a lot more sensitive then we think. Plus, if they care about you in any way, they won’t want to hurt you so SPEAK THE FUCK UP!!!
“Ew, gross, I poop from there!” Then clean that shit out, ya dingus! Nothing too intricate though, because I know that douching isn’t something that should be done super regularly. Your butt and your puss actually need certain bacteria to keep them healthy and clean. It’s honestly not healthy or normal for your butt or vag to smell like flowers – if someone complains that it smells like ass or pussy then kindly remind them, “BITCH, WELL THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO FUCK!!” If someone tells you your pussy smells like pussy and you do, indeed, own a pussy, then chill the fuck out and tell them to deal with it. 100% of the time they won’t even say anything because they really wanna bust a nut just as much as you do. And don’t forget – sometimes, shit just happens. If there’s a little nug on your dick as you pull out then don’t make a big deal about it. What the fuck do you expect when you’re fucking the place someone shits from? Be an adult and deal with it.
“Oh, it hurts!” LUBE IT UP, BITCH!! Seriously – the only time anal sex has ever hurt for me was when the lube dried up (because I was using the wrong lube – use silicone based lube, NOT water based). It may also hurt if there’s a really big cock involved. But from what I understand, with proper anal training, your ass can withstand the size of any cock and any thing. (Just no glass jars please – fuck, have you seen that viral video?) The reason we can’t use water based lube for ass sex is because the water will dry up and I’ve been told that our ass holes are like a Sham-Wow – it’ll suck everything up, but it won’t suck up silicone.
“But I don’t really feel anything in my butt hole.” Then rub something else! I can’t really get off on just butt sex – fuck, I can’t get off from “REGULAR” sex! When The Duchess is fucked I never have an orgasm – but when I spit in my hand and start rubbing one out while there’s a cock inside of me – THAT’S when I not only get off, but have the best, most intense fucking orgasms. Rubbing one out while there’s something comfortably in my ass brings out an even better orgasm.
So there ya have it. After six years of swearing against ass sex, I’ve educated myself, found a trustworthy sex partner, and have finally not just experimented with anal sex, but fucking loved it! I have a great, big, juicy ass, so why not find more ways for others to enjoy it just as much as I do?!
With that, I’m now introducing my ass, which my roommates, Justine and David, dutifully named for me. I knew I wanted a Queen name because, come on, my shit is royal as hell. And, in relation to The Duchess, my ass is obviously ranked higher than my pussy and less people are ever honored with her presence. So they suggested Queen Victoria.
“Yeah, I heard she was known for being a tight ass.”
“And it’s a victory for anyone who gets there!”
Bitchez and bastardz, I bring you Queen Victoria, now open for business.